Two Thumbs

(no subject)

It's ok to briefly live in a moment from decades ago. Bask in the nostalgia... remember who you used to be.

And then you look up from your screen and realize that none of that exists and that every time you recall the memory, you alter it in the context of your current incarnation.

Time is an asshole.
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47 Days

"You said you were moving out, so I promised the place to my offspring who is about to become homeless" - something my dad will never conceive of saying to his tenant; you know, the stranger that rents a house from him on a month-to-month basis.

I honestly don't know why I expect anything else.
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There is a place

Update on my life suddenly imploding:

The theater can give me a round trip ticket so that I can move out of the place I shared with The Sociopaths. That's what I'm calling my former housemates. I'm not a psychologist.

That's partial relief. I can stay in the company housing for the summer, so although I'll be in Alaska and not necessarily in a position to rebuild anything in San Francisco, at least I won't be homeless and summer is the time to be in Juneau. It'll probably be good for my mental health.

That leaves the question of where I might be putting my things, including my truck. One option is to leave my truck at my sister's place and put the rest of my things into storage. She lives in Arizona and a storage unit would be cheaper there, but it's not my first choice.

I also don't want to just leave my truck sitting in the desert, baking and deteriorating. I might need to think about selling it.

And none of this fixes anything in the long term. Staying in company housing over the summer implies that I'll be working and living here for another season (read: winter) and we all know how I've felt over the last few months. I think it's safe to say that winters in Juneau are not conducive to my mental health.

I could live with my sister in Arizona until I get back on my feet. They offered that to me, but with my sister still in the thick of her cancer treatment, I really want to save that option as a last resort. They don't need an extra person hanging around while my sister and brother in law are dealing with everything they're dealing with.

I'm still barely sleeping and the anxiety is running rampant through all aspects of my life, but I won't be homeless.
Two Thumbs

(no subject)

Because my life imploded again I am now open to opportunities.

  • Move to the UK

  • Move somewhere tropical

  • Move to Seattle

  • Move to Los Angeles

  • Move to Arizona

  • Move to Pennsylvania

Arizona isn't high on the list, but it's a possibility since it seems the most likely place to regroup and start saving money again. From there I could work on moving back to SF or any of the other places on the list.

I could also spend the summer here in Juneau, which is the best time to be here. Sarah already told me that I can stay in the company housing during our off-season, which leaves the issue of getting my belongings to Juneau. I really need to check, but I think the Ferry system is completely offline, so that might be impossible.

I don't know. I'm going to need a lot of support in the next month or so and I'm not sure that it's there.
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49 days isn't enough.

The eviction date has been moved to 5/1 because... those people are assholes?

I still have to pay rent for April because I don't trust that my belongings will be safe if I don't pay it, even though they evicted me. With my salary here, it means I have 2 paychecks to save thousands of dollars for a deposit on a new place, plane tickets back to SF, and just.... everything.

I can't sleep any more. This is the second night in a row that I woke up at 3:30am and couldn't go back to sleep.

Also, these thoughts of flying home and putting stuff in storage or whatever happens... is all happening in a void where Covid-19 doesn't exist, flights aren't being canceled, etc. We've had our first confirmed case of Covid in Anchorage and things are already happening quickly; the Folk Festival here in Juneau has been canceled. The board met last night to talk about our plans for Fun Home, which opens in about two weeks... or not. What happens when we postpone the show to be the first show of next season?

Am I going to end up living in Juneau by default because everything I built in the Bay has fallen apart in my absence?

How am I even going to get my truck and my belongings to Juneau if the ferry isn't even running?

It never stops. Just a deluge of shit.
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53 Days

Ok, so it's been a minute, and wow have things... changed.

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Never live anywhere without a lease. Never trust people when it money is involved. Never trust friends, even people you've known for 15 years, because without a lease they will absolutely rationalize and justify treating you poorly. Never expect that, just because you have done roommates/friends favors and made compromises for them, that they will do the same for you.


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I was counting down the days until I return to The City, but it has turned from a countdown of hope to a countdown of dread. I'm miserable here, yet the only thing I was looking forward to has been yanked out from under me.

Lets see. Anything positive to report? Hm. Uh. I'm alive? I guess?

Out of Money. Again.

The theater is out of money again. I can't even get the trucking company to drop a trailer for our strike on 3/8 because we didn't pay them for the last shipment. They also give us a 50% discount on all charges.

This situation is almost identical to when I was here 2 years ago.

Under new management, they said. Things are different now, they said.

The biggest difference I can see is that previously leadership was transparent about the fact that the theater was about to close. This time, no one knows anything except that they uprooted their lives to, literally, put all of their belongings in a car and move to Juneau.

I'd been kicking myself for continuing to pay rent on my apartment in San Francisco while I was in Juneau for 8 months. It doesn't seem like such a waste of money now.

I wonder if we'll get paid on Friday.
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It's Tuesday. I really wish Dear Prudie would do their Tuesday update in the morning, not the afternoon.

I'm still waiting to hear back after my interview with the owner of the company. I'm still excited, yet expecting disappointment.

Yesterday I gave up the Black Jeep because someone more important than I arrived for the next show. I tried to move the Slug Bug, but it's stuck in a carport with 3 storms worth of snow blocking it in. Besides, I'm a little tired of breathing carbon monoxide every time I drive it. Also, there's the little issue of bald tires and the last time I drove it in the snow I went into a berm and couldn't get out. I don't want to die in Juneau while driving a beater, so I guess I'm walking now.

Company management sucks and mostly because she assumes I shouldn't get the same privileges as a Guest Artist since we're, allegedly, friends. Way to keep it professional, Sarah.

At this point, I have one more show to open. One more. And then I can get out of here. I just have to persevere and make it through I may have been unhappy in The City, but I was less unhappy than I am here and I had more opportunities to make myself happy.