starless (starless) wrote,

If I could be like Aiko

It's difficult to update when I feel that nothing has really changed. But I'll half-heartedly promise to update more often, then realize that honestly... who cares?!?

I have to move soon. I've been living with A and B and it's alright for the most part. Except the "most part" is them being in their mid-20s, bringing the bar back to the house with them at 2am, and generally keeping the house like... well... a bunch of college kids live there. So I'm not sure whether I want to live with them again or find my own place. And I'm not sure I want to live in the city any longer.

So, I suppose I need to make a decision. I don't have much time. But I also doubt that I can afford to live on my own; not in the city, anyhow.

Mom is still dead. Yeah... obviously. And I don't mean to sound flippant or nonchalant about it, I'm just not sure that I actually processed it. I think I may have cried twice. I think about her from time to time. I've been ridiculously depressed for months and maybe she's the reason. I just don't know. I thought I would feel more. I didn't think I would feel numb. But maybe that's what happens after a lifetime of someone making it clear that they don't like you.

I want to talk about positive things, but I can't find anything in my life that I feel positive about. Health? I'm not dead, but there's a list of things I need a doctor to check out. Money? I suppose I'm not struggling, but I'm also not saving, so I'm just treading water, as usual. Love? What's that. No, really, what the fuck is that? Friends? What are those?

I go to school. I go to work. I sleep when I'm doing neither of those. My life.

Oh, and I've quit smoking again. 5 days in, so far.
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