I'm finding myself wanting success. I've never wanted success. I'm kind of anti-success. Because success is an outward thing, an external perception. I don't think anyone ever thinks that they're successful, not in the sense of being content with their lives at that moment. It's not contrary to human nature to be content. At any rate, if I'm ever completely content with everything in my life then that's the moment that I know I've lost it. I'm getting off the point. The appearance of success is usually defined by one person looking at another. You look at someone and think, "How successful!" Super briefcase. Nifty watch. Latest and greatest cellphone. Listening to their newest version of an iPod while thumbing away at a Blackberry and chatting with someone on the other end of their Bluetooth earpiece. When they get off the train they get in their shiny new Eclipse or Passat somewhere along the Main Line. Probably Devon. Or Radnor.
Yeah. I find myself wanting it. And not just the shiny things, but the apt, the apt that I found, wanted, and got without struggling to afford it or taking a roommate, or worrying about the credit check, or just settling for.
Off-track again. I want this disgusting, American, gaudy, conspicuously consumed success and it's all because I ride the R5 every day with all of the business commuters. I want a business suit. I want it to be necessary that I'm in constant conversation with co-workers or clients as I'm enroute to work at 7am. I want to walk down the steet in my expensive suit and smugly grin because I just know that everyone who sees either wants me or wants to be me. I want the security of being the embodiment of materialism to influence my every interaction throughout my day, knowing that I can get exactly what I want because I have whhat you want. Riiding down the Main Line every day and being immersed in such conspicous consumerism is the best way to catch the disease. It's infectious. It makes you question yourself. You catch yourself comparing your clothes... comparing your phone.
And if you're a little bit of a freak you want everyone to know that yes, you are on your way to work just like them as you pull out your Monthly Anywhere Trailpass to confirm that "I do this every day." Something to prove. You also can feel satisfaction that while you're on your way to work with them, you don't have to wear a suit. You don't have to have Same Hair. You can have your mods and still be respected at your job.
But 5 hours on a train, surrounded by these people, is enough to make you want The Lie. And I have to fight it. I will not be defined by what I own and what I allow to own me. I will not be an indentured servant to the FedCo. I will not be Successful. I won't succumb. I will not. I am defined by who I am. I am defined by what I do.
I'm going to go ahead and split this into a Public and a Friends post so I can talk about... junk. And stuff.