starless (starless) wrote,
starless
starless

I thought this would get easier

It's not getting any easier.

I've consolidated most of my belongings; I think I've switched my plan to freight-shipping my palletized things. I won't be sending furniture, but 2 desktop computers, a monitor, a my workbox roadcase, and a few other things are not going to be left behind.

Things.

I haven't collected much since I got to California. The stuff that is taking up the most space is my Funco Pop collection. I hate to say that. Basically, I don't want to get rid of my toys. The fact that they are collectible and just displayed on shelves doesn't really matter; they are toys.

I'm certainly not going to pay for a storage space; the most inexpensive one I found is a locker that can hold a few boxes. At $50 per month, that totals $600 for a year. Not worth it. Sunk cost fallacy.

...

I'm still having trouble with the decision.I find a large amount of sadness when I think of leaving the Bay. Every time I drive to a gig, every time I work outside, every time I inhale this air, I'm reminded that ever since I was 9 years old I've wanted to return to the Bay Area. I don't know why leaving for a year feels so permanent. I don't know why it feels so final.

I'd lose the chance to enter Local 16 as a Journeyman. Because we sought representation for our positions at A.C.T., I would be a Journeyman as soon as the contracts are signed. I plan on resigning my position at A.C.T. when that happens.

Got Light seems very eager to promote me. Right now I'm just part of the "field team" (electrician/labor) and I enjoy it. They'd like to promote me to Design Manager Assistant and then Design Manager. I know they're serious about it because they even spoke about me during their DM meeting last Monday; 2 different people told me that my name came up for putting me "on the DMA track." The lead Project Manager/Tech Director there has liked me from day one and he is really pushing for me to move up the ranks. I spoke to him about Juneau a couple weeks ago and when I told him the original salary offer he said that Got Light DM's make more. And then I negotiated a little more money out of Perseverance. The takeaway: eventually I can make more money at Got Light and be the equivalent of an on-site Production Manager. The title doesn't mean much because "Design Manager" doesn't really mean anything to anyone else in the a/v or theatre world.

But, from what I've been told, it seems like I could leave Got Light and be welcomed back. Realistically, I currently only work for them during A.C.T.'s off-season so leaving for a year really wouldn't be much different.

Aside from that, I'm giving up decent rent in a decent living situation. I actually live in SF and pay $700, which is nothing to shrug at. I can take or leave the living situation, though, because we all know how I feel about roommates.

I love Northern California, the Peninsula, the Bay Area. I fucking love it.

...

Accepting the Technical Director position is a positive step in my career. It shows progression in skill set and knowledge; I've worked as an LD/electrician, a rigger, a head carpenter, and then Technical Director. It's a logical progression and will look great on my resume. I believe the season is longer for Perseverance because they split it between Anchorage and Juneau. That means I will actually make closer to the stated salary. At A.C.T. my salary worked out to about $28K, realistically, because I was only working about 24 weeks out of a year. And then they took away the salary in favor of an hourly wage, etc, etc (all the reasons why I don't want to work there).

Anyway: title progression and a bit more money.

Juneau is absolutely gorgeous. I'm sure I'll like it.

...

So... what?

I make the decision in my mind and it's fine. As soon as I think about telling Got Light or Local 16, the anxiety causes a knot in my guts and I actually get a little nauseas. Yesterday, my drive to the job site was along Skyline Drive and The Great Highway. The ocean side of San Francisco. I can't express the sorrow I felt when the thought flashed across my mind that I will be leaving this in two weeks.

2 weeks. How can I make this work for me, emotionally? I don't want to exercise this doublethink autopilot and just find myself in Juneau. I want this to be intentioned. It has to be. It needs to be much more focused than my chaotic, impulsive move to California.
Tags: #career, #relocation, a.c.t., alaska, career, juneau, perseverance, pros and cons, relocation
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